By Chong Teck Chung
There are observations to share and lessons to be drawn from the Ijok by-election. These lessons can be used for all imminent by-elections.
How to make millions without breaking a sweat
Pray that your wakil rakyat kicks the bucket, or if that sounds too sinister, ask him or her to sacrifice his position by stepping down, and call for a by election. Entice to his/her self serving nature by saying that Barisan will pour money and he/she has a chance to benefit financially from the windfall. This ruse will do the trick.
Once that happens, money that was not available in the state coffers will magically appear from thin air. Magic does happen. Please be reminded of Khir Toyo’s miracle transformation; he was once fat and full of hot air, now he’s just thin air.
Your town will suddenly see an influx of development, leaders and hoodlums, at a pace unseen before in your life. Allocations which were not discussed in parliament, or State assemblies, or council budgets, will make its appearance. Due elementary budgetary process applicable in Bangladesh or India is not applicable in Malaysia. The losers, Barisan’s corporate cronies and civil service slaves, will have to fork out magic money at EPF contributor’s expense.
Roads will become clean, smooth and brightly lit. If Barisan’s wakil rakyat for Damansara Utama, Klang Lama, Cheras, Bandar Tun Razak, Taman Melawati, Bandar Klang, Bangi, Serdang, are willing to seek a by election, Malaysians would have less visits to the auto repair shop. Don’t take this lightly as if you think about it and if you request so, Barisan might wave its miracle wand and tolls might magically disappear.
Don’t forget to demand money as your compensation for the hardship of having to contend with constant Barisan propaganda and the same pocket pinching wakil rakyats since merdeka. Don’t be satisfied with RM100 or RM200, ask for RM 20,000 or a million if you’re desperate. Claim that you can get 30 voters i.e. your wife, children and relatives, hence you cost a bit more.
You can also claim your great grandmother, who was born in 1900 is a registered voter and Barisan and the Election Commission will help make the necessary arrangements for voting day. If your great grandmother can’t rise from the grave, claim that your child is a voter.
Don’t believe it’s possible? Go to the election commission website http://daftarj.spr.gov.my/daftar.asp and type IC no 990518610029. 8 year old Ispani Mohd Rejo from Bukit Badong, Ijok, can vote.
How to compel, arguably the most powerful man in the country, to do your bidding.
Barisan’s candidate, after several days of campaigning, shake hands and fakes a smile with the people of Ijok. Although the national spotlight is focus on Barisan’s candidate, surprisingly, the candidate makes no official comments, hardly communicates, and avoids debates at all costs. Heck, forget about extolling any plan or vision for Ijok either. All matters is handled by a bloke who happens to be the Deputy Prime Minister, who has since decided to relinquish his designated national role – despite being paid by all Malaysians to handle the affairs of the country and not neglect this crucial role to campaign full time in Ijok – to take on a much more important role as Parthiban’s Public Relations Consultant.
Najib will handle all press matters, in the morning, afternoon and evening. The task is made easier as all media outlets are owned by Barisan anyway, but the DPM is not taking chances. Apart from abusing government properties, TV channels RTM1, RTM2, the DPM and the Barisan cronies use TV3, NTV7, TV8, TV9, and Astro as they are all owned by their cronies too –Media Prima. That’s all the channels available in Malaysia by the way.
As not every Malaysian has TV, Barisan employs Utusan, the Star, NST, Beritan Harian, and the Chinese dailies to reinforce their message. Opposition and independent news are only allowed to inhabit cyberspace.
Not satisfied with the total domination of the airwaves and print media, Barisan cybertroopers bombards propaganda in the internet, particularly to freedom inclined websites. The opposition is reduced to unseen voices that the DPM happens to address in the news. UMNO supporters, meanwhile, demand that independent websites voice UMNO’s weak and fickle arguments against Tan Sri Khalid and the opposition.
Despite the overwhelming mind control in the mainstream media, they curiously believe in a fair playing field in cyberspace, applicable to themselves only. They wanted to put in ‘Parthiban Perkudakan Najib’ as proved above but changed the two names to the opposition personalities instead.
How to compel, arguably the most powerful man in the country, state chiefs, ministers, half the country’s leaders, and most important of all, mat rempits to do your bidding.
Very few ministers nowadays are seen hanging around in parliament. Debating is not our culture, and parliament is accepted as a rubber stamp, but it does seem very strange that the country’s most important leaders, Parthiban’s spokesperson, Najib Tun Razak, and his cohorts, Selangor Menteri Besar Khir Toyo, Roads and Works Minister Samy Vellu, Penang State chief Koh Soo Kun have all decided to skip their civil and fiscal duties to descend to a little known rural town.
The power of a by election overcomes all. Its gravitational pull will ensure that all important ministers who run the country will conveniently ignore their day to day national duties and instead stick to ‘more important’ matters of running a tiny DUN in rural Selangor.
Most important of all, get the mat rempits to be on your side by providing cheap trills. Have a carnival-like atmosphere at Barisan’s enclave of rumah Perlis, rumah Kelantan, rumah Negeri Sembilan, rumah Melaka, rumah Pahang, rumah Kedah. Cater food everyday for 1000 people and invite the town to breakfast, lunch, dinner. Abuse and mishandle as much money as possible as all is forgiven during by election.
The Election Commission officers will be somewhere in outerspace and will not notice any election fraud despite all the lavish parties and development gifts. Unethically spend RM36 million for Barisan using government funds and nobody will notice.
How to belittle the opposition candidate
Despite being the State Chief, ignore honour and dignity and accuse opposition of all thinkable evils. Belittle the opposition candidate, such as “he was merely a water boy”. Conveniently forget the various UMNOputra sycophants and accuse Tan Sri Khalid of “merely a corporate figure of some company”.
Don’t mention that Tan Sri was ex CEO of PNB, ex CEO of Guthrie, assisted in the formation of ASB and ASN, allocated RM500 million student loans and helped PNB acquire Guthrie from the London Stock Exchange in 1981. Silence the fact that he was one of the few Malay corporate genius and became CEO when he was 33 years old. Ignore all this and create drama by claiming in Utusan Malaysia that you will cut of your little finger if Tan Sri gives any money to the community.
How to threaten the opposition
As a battle cry in Ijok, Gempur is a word associated with Pemuda UMNO. According to Kamus Dewan, Gempur means creating havoc, or huru-hara. Notwithstanding Pemuda’s motto, throw accusations instead to the opposition that they are creating a ruckus, by throwing water bottles and sticks. Never mind if the bottles have the Barisan logo on it, just pretend that opposition drink Barisan’s mineral water, even though they weren’t provided with any.
Use mat rempits and gangsters to roam and intimidate opposition. Of special mention is the red scorpion team from pemuda UMNO dressed in menacing black shirts, jeans and sun glasses. They would have looked cool, if not for their faces resembling their red logo. Their leader, the high pitched Hishamuddin and his deputy, jeering Khairy J tried to look menacing but just didn’t come across so. Hisham and KJ’s pretend macho “I’m really really angry” expression could not even match Rosmah’s natural “I’m going to get you” look.
How the candidate can become the Prime Minister
Some people swear that come election time, every constituency will see the rise of a familiar face. In Ijok, almost all of the dacing posters resemble the familiar vote-for-me X mark portrait of a man in songkok, wearing baju melayu, with a graying moustache. The last time we looked at the candidate, he didn’t resemble anything like that.
Some Barisan friends, who wanted a Malay candidate, have insisted that Pak Lah is contesting in Ijok and is actually disguised as the local candidate. That’s why Pak Lah’s posters are all over the place. Many people find this hard to believe.
Some others have insisted that this accusation is ridiculous. Pak Lah is not contesting in this by election as he is not one to lose his precious time over this unnecessary circus. Pak Lah is also not one to speak on behalf of the candidate, morning, afternoon and evening, more so he is unfamiliar with the local Javanese dialect.
Others insist that it is in fact not Pak Lah but another personality. This personality’s poster is also prominent all over in Ijok and this personality is familiar with the local community and speaks the same language. They say that Khir Toyo is able to transform his appearance and change his look to resemble the candidate. So is Khir Toyo the candidate? That explains why the candidate hardly says anything – his Javanese accent might give him away.
Finally, remember, despite the relentless evils perpetrated by BN, Barisan’s greedy and self serving members will forever defend BN’s actions with weak and fickle arguments on TV, newspapers and other media outlets. As long as the rakyat refuse to have the courage to stand up to their nonsense.
It is time we wise up and reject unethical promises of money and development for votes. Do the right thing, reject Barisan!